A Blissful Life 4/15/25: Authenticity: The Antidote To People Pleasing

If you’re a people pleaser, you know the drill: You say “yes” when you mean “no.” You downplay your needs, smooth over conflict, and shape-shift to keep others comfortable. You pride yourself on being kind and reliable, but beneath the surface, you might feel drained, resentful, or disconnected from yourself. The truth is, people-pleasing can be a heavy mask to wear. And the antidote may be simpler (and more powerful) than you think: authenticity.

Authenticity means being honest about who you are, what you need, and what you believe. It doesn’t mean being selfish or confrontational, but rather showing up without editing yourself to win approval. For people pleasers, that can sound terrifying. But, science says authenticity isn’t just brave– it’s psychologically healing.

In a foundational study from the ‘Journal of Counseling Psychology’, researchers Kernis and Goldman (2006) found that authenticity is linked to higher self-esteem, greater life satisfaction, and lower anxiety. Why? Because pretending to be someone you’re not is emotionally exhausting! Over time, constantly managing how others perceive you leads to what psychologists call “emotional labor”– and it’s draining.

A 2013 study in the ‘Journal of Applied Psychology’ looked at emotional labor in the workplace. Employees who engaged in “surface acting” (faking emotions to please others) reported higher levels of burnout, emotional exhaustion, and job dissatisfaction. People-pleasing is a form of surface acting, and it wears down your nervous system over time. It can even affect your immune health, sleep, and ability to focus.

On the flip side, living authentically gives your mind and body a break. It creates what researchers call “self-concordance”– when your actions align with your core values. Sheldon and Elliot (1999) found that people who pursued self-concordant goals were more motivated and reported greater long-term well-being. When you stop molding yourself to meet everyone else’s expectations, you make space for joy, clarity, and peace.

Authenticity also deepens your relationships. As people pleasers, many of us fear that being honest will push others away; however, the research says the opposite. A study by Wood et al. (2008) found that authentic people have closer, more supportive relationships and experience less loneliness. Real connection requires realness. When you show up as yourself, you give others permission to do the same– and that creates intimacy, not distance.

This even holds true in leadership and work environments. Avolio and Gardner (2005) introduced the idea of “authentic leadership,” showing that people trust and respond better to leaders who are transparent, grounded, and values-driven– not “perfect” or pleasing. Whether you’re managing a team or trying to be a good friend or partner, authenticity builds trust more than appeasement ever could.

Of course, authenticity doesn’t mean you stop caring about others– it just means you stop abandoning yourself in the process. Brené Brown puts it best: “Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.” For people pleasers, this is a radical shift– from constantly managing others’ feelings to finally honoring your own.

The good news is you don’t have to transform overnight! Authenticity is a muscle, and it gets stronger every time you say what you really mean, even in small ways. Start with safe spaces. Practice saying “no” without over explaining. Ask yourself: What do I really want? Then trust the answer– even if it ruffles feathers.

Because the truth is, being likable isn’t the same as being loved. And the more you show up as yourself, the more you’ll attract the kind of relationships where you don’t have to perform to belong. And that? That’s freedom.

Join me at Ocean Bliss Yoga for classes and workshops! Sign up at oceanblissyoga.net. We are located on the 3rd floor of the Belle Harbor Yacht Club. Parking is available in the lot downstairs. All are welcome. Call or text me with any questions at 917-318-1168.